


your friend and a fuck up and everything

by labeledbones



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-10
Updated: 2013-06-10
Packaged: 2017-12-14 12:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labeledbones/pseuds/labeledbones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Zach hadn’t intended for this to happen on a crowded subway, but to be honest, he hadn’t intended for it to ever happen." </p>
<p>Zach, Chris, a subway ride, a street corner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your friend and a fuck up and everything

Chris isn’t drunk. He’s been nursing the same bottle of water all night long. Zach isn’t drunk either. He had a glass of wine at dinner and that was it. But they’re still sitting on the subway talking like they’re drunk 23 year olds, enthusiastically praising each other, getting sentimental. Chris’ eyes do that crinkly sparkly thing they do when he’s just _feeling_. Zach is leaning his head back and telling Chris, “No, exactly, that’s why we work because we’re so polar opposite in a lot of ways but in a few very specific ways we’re the same.” 

He thinks about the phrase ‘why we work’ for a second before Chris says, “We have a healthy back and forth, don’t we?” 

Zach grins. “We’ve got a fucking great back and forth.” 

He thinks about going back through the years and counting up all the hours they’ve spent just talking. He wonders what percentage of his life that would come to, knows it wouldn’t be enough. 

Chris says suddenly, train rattling, sending them knocking into each other, “Tell me something I don’t know about you. What’s something Zachary Quinto is hiding?” A woman sitting across from them looks up from her book at the name and Chris grins and winks at her. She narrows her eyes and goes back to reading and Zach wants to lean over to her and say, “Yeah, I know. He thinks he’s god’s gift to everyone.” 

But Zach is thinking about the question Chris just posed. He rifles through his brain for something he hasn’t shared with Chris, but he’s coming up empty. “There’s nothing,” he says finally. The train stops, the woman gets off and Chris watches her with that dumb smile on his face. More people fill the train and now their once mostly empty train is crowded. But when Chris turns his focus back to Zach, the train feels even emptier than before. 

Chris nudges his shoulder with his own. “There’s gotta be something. Some deep dark secret of yours you haven’t divulged. I want to know,” he says. “I want to know everything.” 

Zach feels the word ‘everything’ echo out into all of his bones. “You know it all,” he shrugs. “Even things you don’t think you know.” The last part falls out of his mouth before he can do anything about it. 

A group of teenagers laugh loudly from the center of the car and start yelling over each other. Chris’ focus is still on Zach though. Zach looks back at him. He feels suddenly exhausted. Chris’ eyes move over his face, until something tugs down at the corners of his mouth and he says simply, “Oh.” 

Zach hadn’t intended for this to happen on a crowded subway, but to be honest, he hadn’t intended for it to ever happen. “Oh,” he says, raising his eyebrows and letting out a long breath. 

“Shit,” Chris says. His breathing goes shallow and Zach watches his collar bones rise and fall. 

“So there it is,” Zach says with a vague gesture of his hands. He thinks he should feel panic but mostly he feels relief. 

“For how long?”

It’s not the question Zach had expected first. It’s not one he’d even really thought about. He goes back in his mind to try and pinpoint when it started, until he just says, “Always? Probably.” 

“Shit,” he says again.

“So this is going well.” 

And then Chris laughs and Zach is grateful for it, so grateful. “I’m sorry. It’s- I wouldn’t say it’s a surprise, but-“

“Right, because everyone’s in love with you,” Zach says dryly and is stunned at how casually he just said the words ‘in love with you.’ 

“No, no,” Chris’ face flushes and it stretches down his neck and the sight of him floundering fucking delights Zach. “Just- Because we’re- Whatever, man. I’m saying it’s a lot to take in and I don’t know how-“ 

“You don’t have to say or do anything. Nothing has to change.” 

Zach wishes there wasn’t currently a very large man standing in front of him eating an egg sandwich at 1 AM. He wishes they were in his apartment, music playing quietly on the stereo, Chris sitting in the windowsill, looking down at everything below. He wishes they were in Los Angeles, at Chris’ house, in the backyard drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes while the sun went down. He wishes they were alone. He wishes they were-

“Doesn’t it though?” 

“I don’t want it to,” Zach says firmly. “Unless of course you’re-“

Chris sighs and gives a small laugh. “I wish, dude. I really do. I would fucking love to be your boyfriend. I would love to just not need anyone but you, to be honest. But it’s not-“

Zach smiles. “Irrevocably straight, I suppose?” 

“Unfortunately.” 

A beat and then Zach says, “How do you really know though?” 

Chris just laughs and shakes his head, “How do you really know?”

Before either can answer the question, they’re at their stop. Zach stands up and Chris blinks, startled, like he’d forgotten they were even on a train and follows him out. 

72nd street is empty this time of night and Chris stops at the corner and leans back against the stone of the building. Zach stands in front of him, thinking Chris stopped for a cigarette, but he isn’t doing that thing where he checks every pocket for his lighter except the one he knows he always puts it in (jeans, back right, Zach thinks idly to himself). No, Chris is just standing there, leaning. Far to their left is the slight bustle of Broadway, to their right is the darkness of Central Park. Around them there is nothing, no one, just a street light and closed storefronts. Zach feels lonely in an overwhelming, all encompassing way when Chris says roughly, “Kiss me.” 

Zach tilts his head to the side, “Come on, Chris, let’s just-“

“You were right though. How do I really know?” 

“I was _joking_.“ 

Chris sighs and sullenly sinks his shoulders back deeper against the stone. Zach sort of wishes Chris did have a cigarette right now so he could complete this brooding look he’s got going on. He wants to tease him about it, but then Chris is saying, “Just fucking kiss me.” 

“Chris, I’m not going to-“

And then Chris’ mouth is on his, strong and insistent and warm. Zach’s hands are gripping the collar of Chris’ shirt, trying to push him away and keep him there all at once. He lets himself sink into it, just briefly, just to see, just to- But he feels nothing from Chris. He feels things for Chris: warm true affection undercut with hot electric desire. But there’s just nothing coming back. He gets Chris by the shoulders and pushes him away. 

“Fuck,” Chris says, bringing a hand to his mouth. “Fuck,” he says again, louder, angrier. 

“It’s fine, Chris.”

Chris is shaking his head though, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk. He’s either about to hit something or cry, maybe both. 

Zach just feels calm, because he knows now that it’s just not ever going to happen. He knows now that it’s just chemically not possible. He wonders if his heart will break when he gets back to his apartment and he’s alone. Right now his heart just feels slightly cracked, but mostly light.

“I’m sorry, man,” Chris says with a half broken voice. 

“It’s fine,” Zach says again. “It’s great. Now we know.” 

“I wanted to- I don’t know. I just want you to be happy. Like more than anything, I want to make you happy so I thought if I could-“ 

“You can’t force it. It doesn’t work, and that’s just how it is.” 

Chris sighs and squares his shoulders. Zach watches his composure return to him. He laughs, “It’s kind of cute how much you wanted to like kissing me.” 

Chris blushes, “Shut up.” 

Zach reaches out and squeezes Chris’ arm lightly and they start walking down the block. “No, I mean it. It means a lot that you would even attempt to change your sexuality to make me happy.” 

“Yeah, well,” he shrugs, smiles, turns his eyes away. 

“I love you, you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Chris breathes out.

“Now I can love you without all the bullshit,” Zach says. 

When Zach does get back to his apartment late that night, his heart only breaks a little. But before any real damage can be done, he gets a text from Chris, “Gotta say though. You’re not a terrible kisser, Zachary.” He responds, “Eh. You were okay.”


End file.
